The Biggest Loser: Round One

Welcome back to the Death Zone!

And what better time than the finale of another series of Doctor Who than to pick through the bones of its less-than victorious monsters? And so, patched up and assembled once more for battle, here are the losing teams from the first round of Monster Mash, each eager to be the top of the heap. Let’s meet the first set:

Location: The Icefields

It’s the return of the Cybermen’s most- er, singular enemies! The Cryons are armed with Cyberguns, thermal explosives and have the advantage of terrain, while the Vogans have percussion rifles, quilted armour padding and big foreheads. If the sun comes out, they’ll be the team left solid. It could be a close one.


Location: The Forum

Rhinocops the Judoon were left all in a tingle after their first-round loss to the Rutan last season, so here’s hoping their strength, laser rifles and slow-mo mojo will win the day. The Nimon on the other hand have built-in lasers and a bullish attitude. If these guys butt heads it could get messy…

Location: The Pinnacles

The Tetraps pit their web guns, venomous tongues and quadroscopic vision against the swift and vicious Krillitanes. The Krillitanes lost out to the Sontarans, meaning they were denied their genetic advantages. But maybe this time they’ll get lucky?


Location: The Undercity

Some punters were left feeling a little crabby when the Macra lost to the Krynoids last time. Will their superior minds come up trumps against the intellect vampires that are the Krotons? Giant crabs versus cyborg pillarboxes – you’ll only get that here, folks!


And that’s all for this round! Place your bets below, and we’ll see the results next week. And if you’re feeling a little underwhelmed, remember that next round features plant-men, dinosaurs, really really really mad scientists and more vampires than you can shake a stake at. It could be worse, you could have had these guys…

12 Responses to “The Biggest Loser: Round One”

  1. Thad Ritchards Says:

    Uh, yeah… really not seeing lots to get excited about…

    Erm… the Cryons are more about guerrilla tactics, but Vogans are more about charging ahead. In this battle, I’m thinking the more aggressive Vogans are going to trump the Cryons.

    Judoon are soldiers, Nimon are bullies… Judoon for the win.

    The Krillitanes don’t care if you see them coming, they’ll smack you, and the Tetraps, anyway.

    The mobile Macra get the edge on the direction point challenged Krotons. As much as I like the latter, the crabs are the victors.

    Oi, I don’t face the losers next match up…

  2. Peter A Says:


    ‘Oi, I don’t face the losers next match up…’

    Er, no?

    It does make me wonder though – do we have a run-off of the losers in this game to see who is the rock bottom loser? Which would be whoever lost the most bouts. The game in reverse, sorta?

  3. Thad Ritchards Says:

    Oops. Should be “fancy”. Yeah, aren’t we finding the biggest loser?

  4. Jono Says:

    I thought it was the loser of the losers too…. The lamest of the lame… The weakest of the weak… You get me drift.

  5. Timb Says:

    The Cryons
    The Nimon
    The Tetraps
    The Macra

    Were The Nimon in the first round??

  6. Peter A Says:

    Call me cop-out Russell, but I fancy the idea that someone wins out of this match and someone gets to be outright loser. I guess the way to determine that is to run the game as I suggest – thus finding the winner, and then ‘in reverse’ with the losng sides returning until the outright plonker del guerre is found.

    of course a bloodbath is nothing without an eager audience cheering it on, and I redrew some monsters especially, so how about it guys – Jono? Are you going to vote or just pick holes? Eh? Eh?

  7. the_other_dave Says:

    Elections early this year! Would you run the best and worst seperately or in tandem (sort of like a half-round robbin)?


    Cryons vs. Vogans – Vogans, not sure why though – just a gut feeling for the golden boys.

    Juddoon vs Nimon – bull fool cool for skool.

    Tetraps vs Killitranes – speaking of school this round belonges to the teachers.

    Macra vs Krotons – as they dont breathe and their crytaline structure being resistant to getting squashed between pincers, I’m sad to say the Krotons win this one even if they couldn’t find their vector point with both pincers.

    Maybe it’s just the picture but are the Monoids using their by-round to play golf?

  8. jpreddle Says:



  9. Alden Says:

    Hard to call the first one… I think the cold gives the advantage to the Cryons though – hard to aim a gun when you’re freezing bits off.

    Judoon beat Nimon easily. Nimon are too used to manipulating from the shadows

    Much as I hate to admit it, the Krillitane beat Tetraps. :)

    Macra versus Krotons? Sadly the Krotons seem to be blind outside their spacecraft, so they’re going down!

  10. Peter A Says:

    My turn!

    It’s a Cryon shame, but I think the gnomes of Voga will – just – get through this one. Those big heads have to house something that works, surely?

    Judoon versus Nimon – I’m giving this to the Judoon. Their guns are awesome!

    Tetraps versus Krillitane. The Krillitane will outfly the bat boys, and if they win this round, gain quadroscopic vision, the abiliity to… kaesp… sdrawk…cab, and a venomous bite – yeah!

    Macra versus Krotons? I love the Krotons, but I think the Macra have this one – sneaky, big claws – surely they only need to tip the Krotons over and apply the old Boston Crab?

  11. andypulzar Says:

    Cryons vs. Vogans – Vogans, it just seems a little more likely.
    Juddoon vs Nimon – Juddoon.
    Tetraps vs Killitranes – Killitranes.
    Macra vs Krotons – Macra, this could be close, but I think the Macra have more of a chance than the clunky boxes.


  12. Foo Says:

    Eeek, sorry this is a bit late!

    Here we go:

    Krotons OR Macra (smart Macra or dumb Macra?) If they are the smart Macra, they have a greater chance of winning and I would go with them. I guess that is not very decisive is it?

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