It’s been a bit quiet on the old news front for Series 4. A bit here, a Jon Preddle set report there. We haven’t really had that much to go on… until now. Thanks to the remarkable new interweb, some dodgy scans of the latest Radio Times and a whole lotta love, we bring you:

A BLUFFER’S GUIDE TO SERIES 4 – WARNING: SPOILERTASTIC!

PARTNERS IN CRIME

It’s the Doctor and Donna right? Certainly seems like it, though interestingly there was an Agatha Christie TV adaptation of the same name a wee while back. Coincidence? Probably… Sarah Lancashire, the return of Donna, Bernard Cribbens! This episode sounds massive! Oh very clever… yes this episode features the first use in a TV series of the Massive computer program that was used on Lord of the Rings. So we can expect Orcs? Nope… fat monsters. Or Adipose as they are properly called. Fat monsters? Ridiculous! Maybe… though maybe you should pull back on the chips there, porky.

THE FIRES OF POMPEII

A historical? As the second story? Unheard of! Yeah, yeah. Very funny. But we’re not in Cardiff anymore, Toto. Really? The budget extended to Lanzerote again did it? Better than that! Rome! Literally! Oh so expensive looking sets then? Yes, but at the moment, all we’ve seen is a hell of a lot of eyepaint, and some sheets hanging overhead. Anything else? Well, Coro fans will delight in the fact that evil Maya is back on our screens. I’ve never watched Corrie out of principle for ’87 – ’89. You’re a real fan.

PLANET OF THE OOD

Our red eyed friends are back huh? Yes but this time they’re not looking very happy. Really? Why? Probably because they’re bloody cold! Oodopia looks as inviting as a Tachyon TV Colin Baker retrospective. Ooh does this mean we’ll see the lovely Claire Rushbrook again? No, unfortunately not, but you do get another great guest star, darling. I’m sorry? Tim ‘Captain Darling’ McInnerny stars as Mr Haplen. Mr Haplen? Miss Foster? Mr Saxon? You’re getting ahead of yourself… but there is a giant claw. The one we saw in the trailer? Well it’s either that or the return of the Macra again.

THE SONTARAN STRATAGEM / THE POISON SKY

Apart from one of the Young Ones, what do we know? Well, UNIT is back (in black), as is Martha Jones, though whether she gets covered in goo in this one we’re not sure. She doesn’t look that happy in the trailer does she? Maybe her campaign is not progressing quickly. I’m sorry? That’s a line in the episode. Along with the words pod, hurricane and chimney. Doctor! The hurricane has forced the Sontarans’ pod into the TARDIS chimney! Don’t give up your day job.

THE UNICORN AND THE WASP

A unicorn? Been there done that. Yes but it doesn’t sound like the unicorn is actually real. The wasp however is very much alive, and window-smashingly rendered by The Mill. So this is the Agatha Christie episode right? Right, and it has Felicity Kendall as a guest star. That only leaves Penelope Keith, and the Good Life guest star list is complete! Not quite – Paul Eddington was never in Doctor Who. He was! You’re thinking of Geoffrey Palmer. Getting back to the insect theme, this may tie in with the disappearing bees. Huh? Apparently bees are starting to disappear in episode 1… it’s one of this year’s themes apparently. We’ll be smacked over the head with that, won’t we? Undoubtedly.

THE DOCTOR’S DAUGHTER

What? The Doctor has a daughter? Surely not! Well, he’s had a granddaughter and a brother, so why not? Alien? Humanoid at the very least. Ok… so what’s the twist? David Tennant’s already alluded to the fact that nothing is what it seems (you don’t say). Oh go on… give us a clue! No clues, but a rather clever piece of casting, in that the character is played by Georgina Moffett, Peter Davison’s daughter. So she really is… The Doctor’s Daughter. You’re clever, you are.

SILENCE IN THE LIBRARY / RIVER’S RUN

Moffatt returns! Hurrah! We can certainly expect to be creeped out again, that’s for sure. This one’s set in an old library… the universe’s biggest apparently. Does it have a first edition hardback copy of The Wheel in Space? Unlikely. Keep an eye out for Alex Kingston as well. She plays a character the kind of which the Doctor has never encountered before. What? An ex-flame of Ralph Fiennes? Don’t be silly. There’s plenty of them around.

MIDNIGHT

Sounds… dark. It’s not. It’s diamonds and gold and stuff. The stuff being? Anti-gravity restaurants for one. All sounds a bit Leisure Hive-ish. With bigger production values and less zips, one hopes. Oh and don’t forget the ‘knocking on the wall’. What’s that all about then? No-one knows yet, but given that the next episode has Donna heading home to find that everything’s gone pear-shaped, we’re willing to bet that the Doctor won’t come out of this one well.

TURN LEFT

It is peaceful there! That’s Go West. Oh right. So this is the Doctor-lite episode then is it? Well, Jon Preddle certainly says so, and he’s not known for getting things wrong. Except for that Fan-dahleen joke at the pub meet a few years back. Yes, I’ll give you that one. So is it just Tate? Tate AND the return of our favourite chav. But she’s… Yes, yes… but we’re in the world of popular science-fiction here! Anything can happen! But Russell said he’d never… Past Doctor. Master. Need I say more?

TBA

The Borusa Awakening? Only in Aarronn’s dreams! So what does it mean then? Nothing – they’re holding back the actual title until closer to the release. So it’s the Daleks. Maybe. Or possibly something to do with Rose. Or Davros. What? Davros!? Yeah, apparently he’s due to turn up in the form of Ben Kingsley. Well he does do wizened bald tanned men well. You’re not wrong.

JOURNEY’S END

Sounds nice. It does rather doesn’t it, after the more menacing Doomsday and the ominous Last of the Time Lords. So whose end is it? Take your pick. There’s about 76 returning characters, as well as the Daleks, in what DT is calling the ‘biggest, boldest, maddest, saddest, most exciting story we’ve ever done’. Didn’t they say that last year? Yes, and we got Scissor Sisters. So what this year then? Mika? At the very least.

JP

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