IT’S JUDOON!

Yes, those stroppy coppers with the canny scanners definitely got the better of the Silurians in the final round, claiming a tarnished gold, and saving their reputation with it. Bronze went to the winner of the actual final bout between overall losers, the Krotons, who snatched victory from the claws of ignominy by a gnat’s whisker. And so to the outright losers – the plonkers of the universe…

Terileptils – what happened?

Once the proud standard-bearers of Season Nineteen, destroyers of the sonic screwdriver (oh, how we wish you could do that again!), undone by a race once thought designed by a child and only given some weight by Mad Larry Miles.  In the end it came down to firepower, and perhaps Thad’s campaigning – but for whatever reason, those tinclavic miners go back to the pits, embodying their workplace in their Death Zone performance. Cheer up, guys. Perhaps you can have another go with Robot Rumble. How about it, folks?

It’s here! The final round to determine BOTH the best of the losers of the original Monster Mash, and the ultimate loser – the weakest, most fan-forsaken monster in the Death Zone. Without further ado let’s go to the Aggro-Dome and meet them:

Vying for Best of the Worst: JUDOON versus SILURIANS
Both teams didn’t get off to a great start, with the Sycorax pulling their blood magic and the Rutans being electric jellyfish respectively, but second time may prove the charm for one team today. So, bereft of giant dinosaurs and body-scanning technology it comes down to a quick-draw of blasters versus head thingies!

Vying for Worst of the Worst:

As Jamas says, the Krotons were probably always going to be here, whether they deserved to be or not. The question would be who would they face? Last night the bout between Vervoids and Terileptils ended in a draw – panic! Someone had to lose to meet the crystalline menace. Our touch-judge (right) said ‘Vervoids’. But then Foo arrived with a late vote – and it’s Terileptils!

So: scintillating silica-based scientists versus terribly technical terileptils it is. Neither are particularly manoeuvrable – who wins then?

Okay so. Only four teams remain in either the Upper or Lower field, leaving two bouts apiece to get us closer to determining simultaneously who is the better team of the losing pack, and which team is the outright plonker of them all. Let’s deal to the Upper field first, and its not-so rubbish combatants:

UPPER FIELD

Location: The Slough
Two teams trudge their way through the mire of this round – ancient Earth Reptiles the Silurians and the swimmers of the blood seas, the Haemovores. Man’s earliest nightmare meets his ultimate destiny. Will the future vampires find cold blood to their taste, or will the racial convictions of the Lizard Kings be enough to repel the horrors of the deep? At right, an uninvolved spectator.

Location: The Great Wall
There’s little the Krillitanes could gain genetically from beating the Slitheen last round apart from a zip-top head and occasional flatulence, so their Tetrap-donated advantages still apply. Their opponents this round however are the mighty martial Judoon and their flesh-disintegrating blasters. Who wins?  Don’t ask the Gastropod at left, it’d blow his heart, and his mind.

And those are the Upper Field’s teams! Now to the real contenders for the loser’s crown…

LOWER FIELD

Location: The Concrete Jungle
The losers of round three assemble for another flappy fight, and the first two of the four are parallel universe were-men the Primords and silicon IQ-vores the Krotons. Watch and marvel as unarmed beast-men rumble with teetering metal petrol bowsers with frontal cannons. Our watchful Jacondan touch-judge at right thinks the Primords have it in the bag – is he on the money, or just a bird-brain?

Location: The Thermal Baths
As steam wafts about this final battleground of the round, two teams emerge from the mist. The Vervoids are for the most part silent, only the rustling of their leaves and the occasional squeak of trainers gives them away. The Terileptils are also in their element, with small laser arms and hunting knives, their history as mining slaves means they’ll not shrink from rough and ready brawling. It’s cat and mouse in the hothouse, and only this Pipe Person (at left) thinks he knows who’ll walk away from this bout, and the ignominy of the Lower Field…

Place your bets, and let the best worst teams win!

Ookaay… to borrow the phrase that last year’s big trend made popular, it’s Business Time.
All sixteen teams from Rounds One and Two have re-entered the bout and are now in two divisions. Upper division consists of the winners to date, and lower division needs no further explanation. Also, Round Three is Joker Round, so there may be some surprises in this week’s bouts. Let’s see how they shape up:

UPPER DIVISION
Silurians versus Macra (Location: The Castellan’s Caves)
It’s the undergound battle of all time, and just when you thought it couldn’t get any weirder, the Silurians finally get to play their Joker – a tame T-Rex (or is it an Allosaur? Perhaps we’ll call it… a Speleosaur, given that it lives in a cave?). Never mind, the “most fearsome mammal of all time” faces off against the crafty crustaceans.

Zygons versus Judoon (Location: Valley of the Shobogans)
No Jokers in this bout as the Zygons used their Skarasen in the big game, but it might be worth pointing out again (as the Rutan match-up went so well… sigh) that the Judoon are equipped with their handy dandy bio-scanners, so shape-changing may not have the advantage it did last time.

Slitheen versus Krill-traps (Location: Rassilon’s Orangery)
Yes! Another Joker invoked as Rusty’s new monsters go head to head. The Slitheen of course are fast, devious and vicious, while the Krillitanes are fast and vicious AND since their victory over the Tetraps gain their Joker – the better race traits of their last victims. So: quadroscopic vision, poison bites and backwards talking for them then. Will it be enough to tip the balance?

Haemovores versus Vogans (Location: Flavia’s Boneyard)
Did I mention it’s Joker round?
And that the Haemovores have brought the seven-foot tall Ancient One as their big gun? Eek – I can’t watch! Let’s move instead to…

LOWER DIVISION
BRING OUT YOUR LOSERS!

Tetraps versus Primords (Location: Borusa’s Folly)
Will the power of flight and small arms fire be enough to get the Tetraps through this round? Or are the Primords made of tougher stuff than the Tetrap bullets, and force the match to be played on terra firma?

Cryons versus Vervoids (Location: Spandrell’s Storehouses)
Cold-loving ice maidens with guns versus plant-men who probably like north-facing positions and well-drained soil. Will the Cryons be disadvantaged by their setting? Or will the Vervoids turn out to be frost-tender?

Krotons versus Voord (Location: Omega’s Labyrinth)
At this stage things just look too weird with a match-up of these proportions. Cannon-carrying silicates the Krotons meet rubbery saboteurs the Voord, who get to play their Joker – a Voord Leader with telepathic connections (as seen in The Fishmen of Kandalinga). Will empathic links be enough to turn Marinus’ frogmen’s losing streak?

Nimon versus Terileptils (Location: Kellner’s Steppes)
Neither team is ignorant of how it pays to increase your brain-power, both come armed, although the Nimon are the physically stronger group – arguably. However, the Terileptils get to play their Joker, and it’s a weird one. Plague Rats.

And that’s Round Three done. Don’t forget to vote!

Another dawn breaks over the Death Zone and as we survey the carnage of last week’s Monster Mash we see that the winners are absent. Yes, it’s progression to Round Three for the Vogans, Judoon, Macra and Krillitane, with nary a protest from the crowd. The losers of course carry on to meet other losers in a pick-off of the most rubbish.

So to this week then, with eight new teams returning. Let’s meet them again!

Location: The Technodome

 Lizard-men of science! Having lost to the Sycorax last time, the Silurians are in no mood to be the patsy to yet another Johnny-come-lately. They have head-weapons and enquiring minds ready for the Terileptils, one-time Cheetah-bait and wielders of energy weapons and crafty hunting knives. But who will be dissecting whom?

Location: The Crystal Coastline

 It’s a rubber-fetishist’s wildest dream! More crafty knives courtesy of the web-footed Voord, quietly stalking the technological wiles of the Zygons about the Death Zone’s jagged-edge rock pool. This could be a tricky one, and the Zygons don’t have their pet Skarasen to call on this time.

Location: The Windfarm

 You too may not want these in your back yard. The flatulent Slitheen with their great talons and ferocious speed versus the methane-breathing, toxin-injecting Vervoids. Nobody light a match!

Location: The Ragged Heath

 Our final match-up for his round sees a rounding-off of alternative futures for mankind. The Haemovores are out for blood with their claws and teeth, ready for the faithless. The Primords have brute strength on their side, and you probably wouldn’t want to taste what’s inside them. Who wins?

And that’s round two introduced! The winners of this round of course meet round one’s champions, while the losers face-off with their counterparts for the ultimate humiliation. Next round though features Wild Cards for those who didn’t get to play them first round. Don’t miss it!

[At right: another abandoned contender from the first game]

Welcome back to the Death Zone!

And what better time than the finale of another series of Doctor Who than to pick through the bones of its less-than victorious monsters? And so, patched up and assembled once more for battle, here are the losing teams from the first round of Monster Mash, each eager to be the top of the heap. Let’s meet the first set:

Location: The Icefields

It’s the return of the Cybermen’s most- er, singular enemies! The Cryons are armed with Cyberguns, thermal explosives and have the advantage of terrain, while the Vogans have percussion rifles, quilted armour padding and big foreheads. If the sun comes out, they’ll be the team left solid. It could be a close one.

Location: The Forum

Rhinocops the Judoon were left all in a tingle after their first-round loss to the Rutan last season, so here’s hoping their strength, laser rifles and slow-mo mojo will win the day. The Nimon on the other hand have built-in lasers and a bullish attitude. If these guys butt heads it could get messy…

Location: The Pinnacles

The Tetraps pit their web guns, venomous tongues and quadroscopic vision against the swift and vicious Krillitanes. The Krillitanes lost out to the Sontarans, meaning they were denied their genetic advantages. But maybe this time they’ll get lucky?

Location: The Undercity

Some punters were left feeling a little crabby when the Macra lost to the Krynoids last time. Will their superior minds come up trumps against the intellect vampires that are the Krotons? Giant crabs versus cyborg pillarboxes – you’ll only get that here, folks!

And that’s all for this round! Place your bets below, and we’ll see the results next week. And if you’re feeling a little underwhelmed, remember that next round features plant-men, dinosaurs, really really really mad scientists and more vampires than you can shake a stake at. It could be worse, you could have had these guys…

Mmmm. It’s a common complaint, but here at ZeusBlog Terraces we think we can provide some relief. We understand – you’re tired, scratchy, your mind is clouded and you feel like you’ve done nine rounds with a Pool Cleaning Robot. But still you yearn for more. You’re a sad case, but you’re not alone.

What you need of course is less of that ‘shipping’ smoochy finale stuff and some more mindless monster-a-monster violence. A new batch would be silly (Hath versus Adipose? Too soon!), but there’s still the question of who will lead the bottom league play-off of last competition…

Ah yes, that’s more  like it.
We’ll start with the patient soon enough, nurse. But first let’s reaquaint ourselves with the lovely contestants:

In alphabetical order then:

Cryons, Haemavores, Judoon, Krillitane, Krotons, Macra, Nimon, Primords, Silurians, Slitheen, Terileptils, Tetraps, Vogans, Zygons

You’re drooling again. It’s very fetching. But hold off on the predictions for the time being – the blood (gween, naturally) will flow over the next few days – let battle recommence!

Ladies and gentlemen we have some winners!

After rounds and rounds and bouts and bouts the victors have been determined in ZeusBlog’s inaugural Monster Mash – and it’s the Sontarans ! In far-off Cardiff a producer is probably hoo-raying quietly to himself, safe in the knowledge that this year’s baddies could beat up last year’s baddies.

It could also mean that you lot are a bunch of rabid traditionalists. But we wouldn’t dream of suggesting that. Oh no

Monster Mash has been a great success though, and for that the blog thanks you all, from those who stuck with it since day one (most of you), to our newest participant (Hi Jon!). With participation like this we can hope that a future interactive game like, say, Robot Wars might have a real chance of being every bit as good.

In the mean-time there is a the small issue of the utter losers in this game – those teams who fell at the first hurdle (all sixteen of them). What do you think, readers – should we put them in a jar together and see if they fight, or do we try to empirically* determine which is the biggest loser?

Speak now!

(* No I don’t know what empirically means. It’s something that isn’t metric, right?)

So we come to it  – the last great battle of our time!

Above the Great Arena, whose sands are bleached white to intensify the blood, float two teams who have beat every obstacle to come this far – the future chldren of the Master and one-time bogeymen of Gallifreyan culture, the Toclafane, and the millennial time warriors, cloned and bred for war – the Sontarans.

Sontarans get their last chance to play their Wild Card, and while it’s no behemoth or leviathan, their increased arsenal of meson cannons, battle platforms and computer nativation might be enough to not only equalise the game, but tip it in their favour agains the Toclafane’s rapid, erratic and destructively mad dash to the finish line.

…or will it?

Over to you. You have 24 hours to vote!

It’s Semi-Final time! And it appears Mr Pertwee was right when he modestly claimed that his monsters were best. Three out of four semi-finalists in this round are from his Golden Era. And it would have been a clean sweep too, if it wasn’t for those pesky Toclafane. We don’t get the Sontaran/Rutan clash some might have expected, but at least one of the teams made it through. Let’s see what we’re up with:

Location: The Clifftops
Teams: Toclafane v Ogrons
It’s on! The big match of the whole semi-final! Both teams undefeated, and let’s not forget – the Toclafane might be able to fly, might have crafty wee blades all over them, but the Ogrons have guns! That’s right.  And not only that, but they have another ace up their sleeve, because baby – it’s their Wild Card round, and they’ll never have another encounter more fitting to pull out their biggest weapon…

The Shapeless Beast of Raagh!!
A bulk the size of several bears, its lipless mouth quivers, its skin glistens like wet leather, it is the terror that knows no name, and today it’s at the Ape-men’s beck and call. But will it be enough…?

 Initiative goes to the Toclafane. Good luck kids!
 

Location: The Jetty
Teams: Sea Devils v Sontarans
The Warriors of the Deep face the Warriors from the Stars. Both packing their own kind of heat. Initative goes to the Sea Devils – who’s for an early bath?

Voting deadline for this round is midnight Wednesday.

Pray-sa Your Bets – Naowr!